An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s
office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, ‘$165,000′. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, ‘What kind of bets?’

The elderly woman replied, ‘Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.’

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, ‘Would you like to take my bet?’

‘Certainly’, replied the president. ‘I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.’

‘Done’, the elderly woman answered. ‘But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 o’ clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.’ ‘No problem’, said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the president’s office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president’s testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. ‘Of course’, said the president. ‘Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.’

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
‘Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o’clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !’

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Women over 50 don’t have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills… she has 14 kids but doesn’t really care.

One of life’s mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came
today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker’s.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like…’You know sometimes I forget to eat!’ … Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name andmy keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited
about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day.

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Ladies this has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman
alive today who won’t crack up over this!

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal … Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

Never going back to that doctor. Ever.

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Little Debbie came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. “Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.”

Now, Little Debbie was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Debbie’s mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Debbie, of course, thought she did.

Debbie’s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Debbie stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Debbie

Debbie knew this wasn’t true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Debbie;. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Debbie

Debbie knew this wasn’t true either. She tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven’t been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Debbie

Debbie knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Debbie’s mother thought her plan had worked because Debbie looked very sad.

“Just be home in time for dinner,” her mother said.

Debbie walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

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This ‘news’ article irked me… how silly!

Italy’s highest court has ruled that a woman wearing jeans cannot be raped.

The Supreme Court of Appeal in Rome on Wednesday overturned a rape conviction, saying that the supposed victim must have agreed to sex because her jeans could not have been removed without her consent.

A court in the southern town of Potenza had convicted a driving instructor of raping his 18-year-old pupil.

The instructor, aged 45 and identified only as Carmine, had been sentenced to 34 months’ jail.

His defence had argued that the young woman - identified as Rosa - had consented to sex, a version of events which the woman strongly denied.

The Supreme Court ruled that it was impossible to remove a pair of jeans “without the collaboration of the person wearing them”, and that the young woman must therefore have consented to sex.

In a judgement likely to anger women’s rights organizations, the rape conviction was reversed.

Driving instructors in Italy have a reputation, deserved or undeserved, for molesting young female pupils, and the case appeared at first to be a familiar story of sexual assault on a lonely country road.

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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it’s a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers; the woman says, “So you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days”.

Flattered, the man replies, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God! But your still at fault…women shouldn’t be allowed to drive.”

The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cork back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police….”

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don’t mess with us.

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Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree. Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the
apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy. The apples at the
top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re
amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one
who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men…. Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it’s up
to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.

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Hi kids, Mr. Fabulous here. You know, I’ve done scores of guest posts over the last few years for folks, and when Eve asked me to do one for Caffeine Overload I was thrilled. Then she told me that the post couldn’t include naughty words or incendiary statements or any displays of nudity by me. Or anyone.

Sheesh. Way to tie my hands. Gratuitous displays of nudity are my home run swing.

But I shall endeavor to persevere. It has been a while since I have done a Top Ten List. This way it’s an educational guest post, and I might qualify for some sort of grant for intellectual guys.

Top Ten Reasons I Do So Many Guest Posts

10. I get Green Stamps for every guest post (that would have made sense forty years ago).

9. If I don’t guest post, the terrorists win.

8. I guest post to make for inadequacies in…other areas.

7. Only seven more guest posts and I get to meet TV’s Regis Philbin.

6. Not much else to do on death row.

5. It’s either this or kick boxing, and I bruise like a peach.

4. I have to do one guest post a week as part of the terms of my community service.

3. I’m hoping to parlay this guest posting gig into a career as a teen pop sensation.

2. Chicks, dude. Chicks dig guest posters!

1. Dr. Phil tells me to.

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Q: Is it acceptable to wear pajamas at high noon if Nobody sees me, or am I committing a fashion faux-pas.

A: It is totally acceptable to wear pajamas at high noon. You can even wear them at low noon. In fact, you can wear them all day long. The only exception is in England you must not wear pajamas at tea time. Pajamas and tea don’t mix. The combination can be lethal. (See the November 2002 report: “Spontaneous combustion among British work-at-home hermits.”)

Q: How should I handle “casual Fridays” in my workplace?

A: I have replaced casual Fridays with “formal Thursdays”. Every Thursday, I take my daughter to the play center, forcing me to shower, shave and don formal wear. Don’t go overboard, though. My three-piece suit includes jeans, t-shirt and shoes.

Q: But what if I never go out?

A: Then stick to casual Fridays. Why not make Friday the day you wash your pajamas? All Nobody will see is the back of your chair, anyway.

Q: What if FedEx Guy comes to the door?

A: Tell FedEx Guy it’s casual Friday, and ask him if he really wants to see how a work-from-home hermit celebrates casual Fridays.

Q: If I work from home, do I still need a purse?

A: Of course. Without a purse, what would you carry to the bathroom? Make sure your purse matches your pajamas, though. You would not want Nobody to catch you with a poorly coordinated wardrobe. Personally, I don’t have a purse, but that’s just a guy thing.

Q: What about taking out the garbage?

A: When the odor starts to repel the postman, you might need to take out the garbage (just in case there is a rare check in the mail). Wear your pajamas to the curb, but I suggest replacing your slippers with shoes. Snowshoes are recommended in Edmonton…except in July and August. Don’t walk to the curb if you live on a houseboat.

Q: I feel so alone. Is that normal?

A: Get over it. You are part of a glorious economic movement, where people around the world choose to reject antiquated social norms and barricade themselves in their homes to make $53,976 in the first week of their new businesses. How could you feel lonely with so much money?

Q: Wow. I made only $3 in my first week. I bet my husband $3 that I could stay in my home office for three straight days without coming out. I won the bet, but I was forced to shower.

A: That’s not a question.

Q: OK, what if I make only $3 a week?

A: You might have to share your pajamas with Nobody…until you can afford a second pair.

Q: Is this really a growing trend?

A: Yes. The International Institute of Social Isolation reports that by 2055, 95% of people will be operating a home based business. The National Organization for Studying You (NOSY) reports that by 2055, 95% of people will be sharing their pajamas with Nobody…until they can afford a second pair.

Q: Wow. That’s a lot of pajamas. What does this mean for the future.

A: It means the pajama industry will become a major economic force.

Q: Do you know any good pajama-based mutual funds I could invest in to take advantage of this trend?

A: No, but how rich can you get investing $3 a week, anyway?

by David Leonhardt : David Leonhardt publishes The Happy Guy humor column. Get a free humor ebook with your purchase of Climb Your Stairway to Heaven. Check out also the free A Daily Dose of Happiness ezine David Leonhardt also runsa Liquid Vitamins website.

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